Feeding Time With The Tiger — Digital Diary:
I wanted a place to keep all of my alterhumanity notes (and some vaguely related personal entries) together and in chronological order, so here it is! Using this to keep track of noemata, interesting shifts, gripes with the community, and new or important revelations in regards to my kintypes and similar.
This page was created on 07/12/2022, older entries are from my notes app or old social media posts.
I know the majority of people don't think anything of it when they say it but the rebuttal to the claims of alterhumans being losers who live with their parents or jobless mentally ill freaks or whatever 90% of the time being practically "nuh uh real therians are actual functional adults who blend into society, I for one have a full-time job and a PhD and live alone" really rubs me the wrong way. Everyone who's in this community should be respected regardless of if they fit the picture those insults target. They should be defended, not treated like they aren't real alterhumans, because there's literally no substance to the jab other than ableism! It's ridiculous to give it merit by getting defensive on behalf of everyone in a very large community of majority autistic people. You have literally nothing to prove to someone who bases worth like that.
The most 'dysfunctional' and out of touch person still has an equal place and should be made to feel that way, even if it makes you feel worse about your chances or assimilating. It doesn't feel great at all to be treated as a shameful dark side of the community, someone who shouldn't be listened to, for the crime of being disabled and unable to reach the standards that make me respectable. I feel the same when people treat rich tech furries as a redemption and the 'good ones' and when the 'gifted aspies' swear up and down that not all autists 'end up like that'. All this does is uphold the societal standard that makes people like me feel guilty about existing, because you're ashamed to recognise you share a community with us. Think about why you feel cheapened by being associated with these types of people. Instead of scrambling to pretend we don't exist, just question why it even matters.
I haven't updated this page in a while... I haven't really had much I want to talk about. Battling some burnout and I'm not really pondering my identity as often anymore as I'm at a good spot with it. Two months ago I got with my girlfriend - first real relationship I've let myself have in a long time. We're both alterhuman, we met that way in fact, so it takes the pressure off having to downplay it. They also selfship in a similar manner to me so I don't have to let go of the comfort that relationship gives me. One thing I appreciate is the way we can really mesh on that level: being openly seen and desired in the form I want to be is healing on the dysphoria front, we have similar experiences too so I feel that I can discuss what's on my mind without it being belittled. I love that I can draw us together that way as well. I can't find the right words but it's just.. really nice, totally different from feeling miserable with people who want to make me normal.
I think something that really shifted the way I looked at my own therianthropy was deciding not to to question with the goal of uncovering what singular thing I Truly Was but what was the ideal form my current sense of self took. Two similar concepts but different in a way I can't properly describe. I spent so much energy changing my mind, doubting every little thing, and being like "what if this other thing is what's right..." before scrapping my progress and bounding off to check out a new possible theriotype species. I was desperately chasing this idea of the one immutable thing that would make everything fit into place without ever considering that my identity doesn't work that way.
Now that I've looked at it differently and decided the most fitting reflection of me is a tiger things have settled. I've given myself a tangible thing to point at but not one that's boxed me in or forced me to make an extremely final decision. I don't have to question forever but I don't have to stick with anything either. If I change over time my identity will change with me, I suppose that's one of the natures of psychological kintypes.
I've realised I show most of my appreciation for my interests through explaining concepts to others rather than sharing anything of my own. With alterhumanity it took me 6 years or something to finally start publishing and expressing in-depth my own experiences anywhere, and I still prefer writing guides than personal essays. Ever since I studied up on terminology I've just wanted to guide and teach others, that's where my enjoyment comes from.
I also don't really casually discuss the characters I date, even within the fictosexual community itself. I allude to it and give vague references to my own experience to answer questions, but I never feel comfortable enough to be the one to post about my wife and my feelings for her completely overtly. It just doesn't seem necessary to my enjoyment: the relationship is a huge part of my life but also feels like a private one. Just like being otherkin is.
Helping people out still helps me feel closer to my own view of the concepts, sort of like writing out advice gives me advice at the same time. It helps me to put my raw thoughts into comprehensible ideas and words. It's a win-win situation: most people have benefitted from something I explained or put forward, and I can benefit from my own advice as well as feeling like I made a difference to someone.
Something I've been thinking about over a long while now: I have these lingering feelings and strong connections with certain people I was close to as my fictotype and fictional synpath. Partners, close friends, family members. I see them as nearly as important as those of equivalent roles in my current life. I consider my past friends still my friends, my brother on par with my brother from this life, I am still dating my partners as far as I'm concerned. It can be a little upsetting sometimes, and contribute to my homesickness, but it does make me happy to keep them in my life in some form or other.
Being half-devil gave me a lot of abilities that helped me to survive through the more difficult parts of my life:
- I had resistance to high and low temperatures. I couldn't feel much of a difference in my human form, I still felt too cold or too hot, but my devil forms offered a shield from threatening temperatures and warmed me up if required.
- Accelerated healing. Very rarely did I suffer a serious wound and I don't think anything got infected either.
- Resistance to most illness. I got sick now and then, but it extremely rarely, if ever, put me out of commission. This is something I'm, rather strangely, dysphoric about these days since I've gone the opposite direction and suffer from chronic illness.
- Improved nighttime vision. It was not perfect, but I could find my way around in the dark much easier than a human could.
- I didn't need to sleep often and could go a long time (a week or two straight maybe) without experiencing much fatigue. It helped my mood and fighting skill if I slept regularly, though.
- I didn't need to eat or drink much either, my body could run on very little without deteriorating or suffering ill effects. I didn't really find much joy or interest in food, and I didn't have easy access to it for a large portion of my life, so I never really developed a favourite food or such.
I know I should not judge those making their first steps into the community, and I'm not, I was there once too after all, but it is rather frustrating to see the same discourse, the same bad takes, the same self-doubt, and the same unanswerable questions over and over in spaces with a large "I found therianthropy from a TikTok a few months ago" population.
I want to be there to give advice and proper information, to lend a guiding hand that I did not have when I was in that position, but I cannot look inside somebody and tell them everything about their therianthropic identity or tell them if they are or are not indeed a therianthrope. Nobody can do that. It's even dangerous to assume someone has that type of special ability. They need to do the legwork themselves because that is the only reliable way of coming to conclusions on one's self. They need to build the confidence to trust that they are correct about their own self, rather than rely on strangers to decide for them. I can give them the tools for this, but I can't give them an answer they're asking for. It still seems like a very poor piece of advice, though.
Today I have been thinking a lot about my past mate. I met her all the way back when I was 18 years old and had set off to Fortuna to do some research there. I was in the city archives and she approached me, flirting with me mostly. A human woman, older than me, perhaps early 20s, but I didn't ask that. I didn't have a place to stay in the city other than napping on the streets or just keeping myself awake the whole time (though I wouldn't have minded doing that), so she offered me to stay with her. I obliged, and we began talking over the next few days.
I fell in love with her. Eventually I told her of my devil heritage and abilities and she was more receptive to that than an average human; she found it fascinating and told me she found every part of me beautiful. I devil triggered in front of her for the first time, an oddly intimate experience, and she began to caress and scratch my horns, which felt pretty nice. I often do the same to my phantom horns now.
I remember one moment when she had fallen asleep with her head resting on my chest, I was awake, since I didn't need to sleep often, and while I looked at her I realised that this was one of the first times I'd felt happy and safe in a long while. I smiled to myself, buried my face in her hair, and closed my eyes.
We were together for a few weeks, maybe a month at a push, and then I had to force myself to break things off and return home. I just wanted to keep her safe, I knew I wasn't able to protect her when I was so young and weak and being around her for too long was bound to paint a target on her back. I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself if I stood by as demons targeting me hurt her in the process. So I couldn't bring myself to stay there any longer. She was upset, I was upset, I didn't come back to see her again. I didn't know she was pregnant with my kid, perhaps I would have changed my mind or done something different if I was aware.
I don't know what happened to her after that, I'm not sure what the reasons why she took Nero to the orphanage were, nor where she went afterwards. I thought of searching for her, but I never did.
I never did take another mate, I considered her my only true partner and only love, and I thought of her often. I mourned what we had, and what I had lost by throwing it all away on a whim. I still do.
Her face and name is never revealed in canon, and it is extremely hazy for me. I struggle with recalling memories as it is, and my fictionkind noemata is no different. It does make me feel disappointed to have little to no fan-made content and no way to accurately draw her. I have considered self-shipping with her, to express this love that has carried onto this life despite me struggling with my romantic attraction now, but I have nothing concrete to express other than half-baked, vague, fantasies in my mind, and who wants to hear those other than me.
I feel as if my nonhumanity influences my social needs and behaviour a lot. As an adult tiger I have no need for friendships nor long-term relationships: after I had left my littermates and my mother the only other tigers I would have encountered were potential mates and territorial rivals. So in my human life I see no need for close non-sexual relationships, oftentimes I feel threatened by others encroaching on my privacy or boundaries.
I tend to hold everyone I am around at arm's length, say no more or spend no more energy than I wish to, and I don't seek out many new close connections. I consider myself both aromantic and aplatonic. I am usually okay with this lifestyle, I chose solitude and I enjoy my own company both off and online so I don't get very lonely, or at least I can last longer alone than the majority of people. However, obviously this body is one of a very social animal so I cannot go completely without interaction, as much as I wish I could.
I don't mind being approached for conversation, giving advice, information, or guidance to others, being considered a good friend, or being invited to hang out now and then, in fact I enjoy being wanted and thought of and I like the company of others when I want it, but when it becomes too commonplace or casual I begin to feel crowded and act defensively or aggressively to protect the space I have placed between us. Perhaps it is an unhealthy way to go about it, but I would feel more distressed if I forced myself to have normal relationships and potentially hurt others in the process by lashing out.
It hurts sometimes, I won't say I'm completely unfazed. It gnaws at my heart to think of the unbreachable wall between me and everyone else, the way I feel a million miles away even among my closest of friends, the way human dynamics and communication confounds me no matter how hard I try and study up on it, the sorrow I feel watching others fit in and bond with such ease while I cannot grasp even the slightest bit of social aptitude. I wish I could leave this pain behind me and shed my human ties to be an animal, to let my behaviour become natural and right and loveable, and more importantly to finally be happily left alone.
Fanart of my fictotype is such a strange topic for me. I have moments when I adore it: I'm flattered to be loved enough to be drawn, I even collect the ones I like most on my phone. Other times it frightens me. Suddenly I don't want to be depicted, drawn, or looked at; I feel uncomfortable and sick after seeing myself in the wild. I tend to have long periods of disliking and avoiding using art or even screenshots of myself as a profile picture anywhere, especially my human form. I just find it embarrassing, too personal, or too needy, in the same way I don't like sharing and using selfies.
It's actually a Tell for me when I question a synpath or a kintype, because with fictional 'types I feel this self-consciousness and a need to scrub myself off the fanbase's memory that I wouldn't feel for any other character. Obviously I can't and won't dictate what people create, since I don't own the character from the game, just a weird feeling is all.
I see it less on Tumblr these days, but I've seen it twice on Vent lately (bewildering): people staunchly defining otherkin as purely spiritual, past-life based, and everything else is fake, kin for fun, or less serious. Otherkin and fictionkin with psychological, mixed, or otherwise not purely spiritual origins have been around since the dawn of the communities, and they are not any lesser than past-life kin. Having a kintype as a natural quirk of the mind, a product of mental illness or neurodivergency, or a coping mechanism, or other reason will always be a real kintype if one describes it as such. I will always stand against spiritual gatekeepers: there is no one valid way to be or experience otherkinity, all you need is the sincere identity, I absolutely despise the "because of a past life" clause on some people's definitions of 'kin. Psychological and non past-life 'kin have always been otherkin, and anyone who still turns their nose up at someone with genuine experiences and a genuine identity because there was no past-life origin will be left behind embittered. If I had the chance to discover my psychological origins earlier without being pushed against by the majority spiritual views of the community, I would have been so much less confused about myself. The community has come very far, but I realise there's still a way to go.
I've decided I want a recognisably draconic name for others to call me by, and I thought of Skyrim as the best source for it. The game has meant a lot to me for years, and it nurtured my budding interest in dragons and fantasy.
After looking at the canon words in the Skyrim dragon language, dragon naming conventions (dragons tend to have three one syllable words as a name), and trying a lot of different combinations, I've come up with Vahqoviing (vah-kwo-ving) as a name to fill that void. It uses Vah (Spring), Qo (Lightning) and Viing (Wing). I have also come up with Paazuthvey (pah-zooth-vey), using Paaz (Fair), Uth (Command), and Vey (Cut). I will probably use both for myself until I decide which one I prefer.
I've been thinking more about gender lately. Since I've experienced pretty much my entire life through a nonhuman lens, my gender identity developed around that too. I'll use the tiger as the primary example to keep it from getting too convoluted, but a lot of nonhuman aspects of me have some sort of influence. I defintely see myself as a male tiger, and I experience maleness purely as a wild feline, which is why I was previously unsure about defining it as Male in the human-recognisable way; I don't see human manhood as remotely Me, so I stick to gender neutral terminology and expression instead. Genderless and neutral identities don't feel completely right or accurate to me though, because I'm not without gender and it is only 'neutral' in the way humans will understand it. No succinct label feels right, I feel like the only way to explain my gender would be with a million words and even then I'll never truly get how I feel across. My gender isn't A Tiger or because I See Myself In Tigers, so I don't feel anything for tiger-related xenogenders, my gender is tigrine masculinity, and I feel that because I Am one.
I've experienced a mix of severe gender and species dysphoria that intertwine with one another since I hit puberty, though the species one goes further back. I am extremely dysphoric about my voice, build, how my genitalia looks, and most of my distinctly human traits. It just isn't what I'm meant to have at all; it's of the wrong sex and the wrong species. I currently can't transition to a different species, at least not to the degree I want, which just leaves me stuck not knowing what I'm meant to do with myself. I feel trapped in a body that doesn't feel like mine, and it Can't be mine, so there's no attainable goal other than a human gender transition which'll be more like putting a band aid on a gash than any big moment of relief. It's disappointing.
There's still little things that make me happy. Like the tiger-inspired packer I found. I would love a realistic quadsuit if I could ever afford it. I'd like tattoos of tiger stripes all over my body and tiger's paws on my feet. I want tiger-like crowns on my teeth like Stalking Cat had. I want to find a partner or a close friend IRL who affirms my animality, and preferably also experiences something similar so we can indulge in it together without shame. Maybe also find a therapist who doesn't see it as a negative or something to hide, and will help me work through the upsetting parts. But it doesn't feel completely right. I still don't feel completely Myself or at peace when I imagine how I'd feel with all that, y'know? Fruitless efforts or something...
I really dislike the idea that's been going around for the past few years that terms like 'transspecies' or 'species dysphoria' are a new fad, appropriative, not real, and a mockery of the transgender experience used purely by cis kinnies who want to be special, and how we just get lumped in with the other trans- identities which usually Are shitty and an inaccurate term for the experience.
Transspecies and similar variants have been used by therianthropes semi-often since the 90s to describe feeling like a nonhuman creature stuck in a human body and usually to denote a strong desire to fully be that species physically rather than just in soul or mind, psychologists have also used trans-species or transspecies to describe an otherkin or otherwise nonhuman identity in general; species dysphoria also has been used in academic papers, by professionals, and by otherkin themselves for decades to describe discomfort with the physical body in terms of not being the right species (and dysphoria isn't a gender-specific term anyway).
Surveys of the community show that around 70% of 'kin consider themselves transgender or have a non-cisgender gender identity, and from my time in the community a lot experience gender influenced somewhat by their kintype(s) (like how I experience maleness as a tiger and a devil but not as a human, so I prefer to just go with neutral terms for myself). I'd guess an even larger percentage of people who use transspecies are also transgender, whether or not the two are related for them.
But when Tumblr came about and 'kin came more-or-less to the forefront everyone just went "ah this is a new joke label, otherkin identity is transphobic and they want to worm their way into the LGBTQ community, and 'transspecies' is on the same level of offensive as using 'transrace' or 'transabled'" or whatever.
I think even if it doesn't make sense to you or seems foo far it really doesn't hurt anyone, most transphobic people who say "if we let them change their gender they'll want to be a dog next!!" are doing it not knowing it actually exists outside of an inane hypothetical. Once you read people's personal experiences with how they experience species and why they adopted the transspecies label to describe it it stops looking so much like a joke, it's just really sad that they're in pain like that, and it's good that they can feel a little more happy and fulfilled now.
I wish it was at least taken more seriously and with some thought to its meaning and its history rather than a knee-jerk "these words sounds like transgender. I bet all of these are cis people wanting in on the trans community. you can't even transition to an animal". There are more people adopting the label and recognising its validity as an identity and experience within the serious parts of the alterhuman community these days, but outside of that it's just a joke, discourse, or a bad word, and that feels awful as someone who is transspecies.
Animals and mythical creatures aren't aware of this experience and this identity and they don't conceptualise oppression like human beings do, so can't and won't feel violated that people in the world feel they are them inside. Whether or not transition to a different species is possible doesn't even matter, we don't need transition to be recognised as a valid thing, it's the identity and euphoria it brings that matters. Nobody claims that this identity makes them inherently LGBTQ either. The biggest crime is that it's just odd to an outside perspective, and it uses similar terminology that conjures up a connection to gender, but the terminology we use is the most accurate there is, and it's recognised and used seriously by professionals who talk about us (not that it makes it any more or less valid as a word, but it's used outside of our community).
I'm really really grateful that the general alterhuman community is a thing at all even if it's mostly online. If I hadn't found out about it on the internet and joined in I would have gone through my whole life thinking I was uniquely weird and embarrassing and completely alone. My years on various platforms and websites talking about being kin and everything related to it and making friends over it has been really eye opening and it still is, I still think it's wonderful that even a few other people feel this way and we also have such a variety of experiences and backgrounds.
But this whole time I've completely lacked the in-person bit, such as local packs, especially from when I was 12-15 and I wanted a friend group like that most. I joined too late and too young to attend Howls, and living in the middle of nowhere meant the only people similar to me in that aspect was the one other furry in school who I'd never spoken to. I would watch videos of packs going out into the forest wearing tails and playing and being themselves and I would be so upset that I was missing out, and I was unable to go out and do that even by myself. I don't feel that way as strongly these days because I'm both used to it and adult tigers are mostly solitary anyway. Regardless I still think it would have done me so much good to be able to like let loose around people who didn't think I was a freak.
Not so much with finding new friends but I think if I started dating again I would definitely look to exclusively date other nonhumans if by some miracle I met any nearby or someone was receptive to it if I mentioned it. I would probably be so much happier and more chilled out that way, because a lot of my issues with romantic relationships came from me rejecting every embarrassing trait I had and then just becoming a shell of myself not knowing how to express, feel, or enjoy anything that's important in average human relationships, which sucks for everyone involved.
Just having that shared identity and shared experience with someone in person would be great, you can't headbutt and vocalise and play wrestle and curl up next to people on the internet and I would feel extremely weird doing that in person with someone who didn't at least understand, even if they didn't reciprocate that way.
I believe being a tiger or at the very least an animal is an unchangeable part of me because "I am an animal. I'm aware of the human body and human life I was born into but I was not meant to be this way and I refuse to be" has been my sincere sense of self since at least 6 years old, even if the species itself has changed over the years. I asserted that fact about me a lot as a child before I realised it was strange and I probably shouldn't. I don't remember feeling any differently, I don't know how to be human either, so it probably isn't going to leave me.
Being a nonhuman animal affects every part of my life in both a positive and negative way and has done so since I can remember. I perceive the world as a tiger, my thoughts and behaviour and personality and instincts are that of a tiger, I experience pretty much every other aspect of my self through an animal-like lens, I constantly feel the sensations of paws and muzzle and other body parts of tigers. I have horrible discomfort with my visibly human body and I struggle maintaining close IRL relationships when the other person doesn't know any of this about me and cannot accommodate it.
I have seen myself as an animal for years, and years, and years, long before finding the therian community; I don't think this will ever truly go away even if I can cope with it and get distractions in my life that push the more uncomfortable parts into the background.
My fictionkind identity is different, it isn't spiritual and my fictionkinity developed suddenly later on in my mid teens when I was already in the wider kin community. I cycled through a few different characters before settling on just one. I don't think I was born him, or reincarnated from him, and I hardly had any tell-tale experiences early on to really convince me it was always there and meant to be.
I think I developed this to have a more-or-less concrete sense of self as a character that I felt close to and something to focus on to escape my own bad life situation. If I am him and not me I can think about his own memories and experiences, I can theorise about him and my connection to him, I can love fictional characters to replicate the love I can't feel for anyone else, I can connect with people who are other characters from the games, I can make art and write essays and creative pieces about him, I can be seen as him and not whoever I am beneath that. I think if I got stronger mentally and was in a better place physically I just wouldn't need Vergil anymore, at least not to the degree I do now.
It doesn't make me any less serious about it or him any less me, I'm not dropping him either, I really don't feel ready to let go of him anytime soon, but I think making peace now with the idea of "yeah. this probably isn't forever. this will benefit my life until it doesn't anymore and then I can try to move on" helps I guess? I might stay like this for 20 more years, who knows, but I think it's more than likely that it isn't lasting forever like my animality is. Don't take this to mean psychological fictionkinity is a phase, or inherently less, because that isn't true whatsoever. Identity can both be a lifelong, hardly changing, thing and one that changes and morphs with new experiences and new understanding. Both are equally real experiences.
I was thinking about the events after DMC5 ended and Dante and I returned after cutting down the Qliphoth tree. Obviously it didn't immediately go back to normal when we went back to usual life, I was not warmly welcomed back with open arms, and I was not forgiven or even properly trusted at first. I think that would be a pretty shallow and cliché way to wrap up the events of 5 and all the other games because I was absolutely awful, there is no other way about it, but things did get better. I had learnt a lot from what happened to me after the events of DMC3 and my whole time as V, I had a whole lot to regret and repent for, and I had things I wanted to work through rather than shove down. I was getting too old for all the fighting and bitterness anyway.
I stuck around (well, had nowhere better to go) and fumbled through trying to have a normal family relationship again, and it went okay? I guess? Me and Dante had never hated each other, we just had conflicting views and got in each other's way all of the time, which lead to our fights, and once we butted heads less severely and without as many weapons we got along like normal siblings. It was nice to have him back properly, the last time we had really talked and were casual with one another was when we were children. He welcomed me back properly after a week, maybe a few days, I can't recall exactly what was said though.
Nero took a lot longer to come around, unsurprisingly, it did hurt but I had definitely hurt him more than his words could. I apologised a lot, and I did try my hardest to make it up to him, and give as much of an honest explanation as I could. I can't remember if it was months or even years later but he did grow to outwardly tolerate, maybe even like, me. He still always called me by my first name, or he called me father sarcastically as an insult, but I remember once he genuinely called me Dad and it meant enough to me that I still think about it now. I remember one time he came to me to ask about his mother, and I talked about how even though my time with her was very short I had never forgotten her and how I genuinely felt adoration for her, and he seemed pleased with that answer. We read my poetry book together once, it was late at night and I was flicking through it; he came over and sat right next to me to read quietly along, and began pointing out a few poems and lines he had enjoyed when he read it after I gave it to him.
I hugged him at some point, and I apologised and said I wish I had known about him sooner, and he tightened his grip on me and cried.
I miss it. There's a large uncertain gap in knowledge right after "everything is more or less okay and I am laughing with my family and happy for the first time" so I just hope everything stayed that good.
The logical part of my mind knows me being a character is a quirk of a mind, an autism thing, compensation for my lack of a human-like identity, me subconsciously relating to a character so heavily that I now believe I am the character, or something. That any 'memories' I have are just imagination filling in the gaps and while they are genuinely meaningful and real to me they never actually happened. The other half of me desperately wants to believe that I actually Was and Am him and everything I feel and remember is genuinely real and even though I was probably not reincarnated my life paused for some reason and I will go back to it eventually.
I filled out an otherhearted survey, and the real-life person hearttype category really stood out to me.
I've been trying to find the right words and a reason to talk about this for months now; I really didn't want it to be misconstrued. But anyway: the real-life historical figure Vergil.
I've always inexplicably felt like we're the same person or otherwise extremely similar and linked somehow, even if he existed 2000 years ago, we have obviously never met, and historians barely know anything concrete about his life other than his writing. There's just been this connection between us for years through various forms, and I don't think it's just celebrity worship, just liking someone, or having a hero. I can't properly describe it but there's just Something there that I don't feel for anyone else, even other people I heavily relate to. There's this extremely deep and innate familiarity there that I can't ignore or explain away I guess? Out of every existing human in the world, both living and historical, it's just him I feel this way towards for some reason.
Relevant backstory: I read Inferno for the first time when I was 13; I immediately loved it and I have considered it my all-time favourite book since. I saw myself in The Divine Comedy's version of Vergil first. I didn't know he was an actual poet until the last year or so, or at least I had never properly read his writing or about him until then. I renewed my interest in Inferno in late 2021, and extended my interest to the guy himself. Around this time I also picked the name Vergil for myself, to reflect my affinity for that original fictionalised version of him.
I got into Devil May Cry a little later, last December, because of my interest in Inferno (which it's loosely based on) and there being a Vergil in it, and unsurprisingly I gained the games' version of Vergil as an actual kintype.
I don't know if DMC Vergil has any bearing on my feelings about Actual Vergil and Divine Comedy Vergil, since they are nowhere near the same other than sharing a name and vaguely a personality. Me being a character with the same name could just be pure coincidence, but I think I should mention it anyway. I could feel this way just because I'm sort of based on him as that Vergil, but it feels weird to say that retrospectively since compared to Inferno, my DMC interest and fictionkin experience is very recent.
In early 2022 I began to read into real-life Vergil's biography, or at least what we can guess of his life, and his works. I felt like everything was just. so Right, lots of things matched up to me, even though I didn't know these things beforehand. The way he talks about nature, his affinity for animals, his personality and the way others described him, it's just. Wow.
I did sincerely consider factkin a few times but I don't really think I am. However, I might just hate to use such a stigmatised word and would rather find something less loaded or just never talk about it. Even if this would be less creepy or farfetched to people since there's over 2000 years between our lives and reincarnation explanations are a believable possibility.
Sometimes I really hate how much fandom and the fictionfolk communities intersect and clash, I know it's obviously pretty unavoidable for the most part, but it's like all decency goes out of the window. It's either being asked about discourse or things you don't care about, people assuming you being a character = you agreeing with the character or being 1:1 that character in canon. Or on the other side of the coin, someone treating you like a beloved blorbo meet and greet instead of just the 'some guy' you actually are. I think about forsaking the fictionkin community and only talking about being a tiger but if I did that I'd feel guilty and insincere. Someone has to stick around here despite it all.
Being exposed to so much 'kinning [x] character is a sign that you're a bad person now' and similar discourse + sentiment early on in my fictionkind awakening definitely did something to how I perceive my own fictotype, and how I think other people will perceive me. I've gone to lengths to avoid directly naming Vergil in introduction posts, or even avoiding mentioning I'm fictionkin at all, out of shame. Even though nobody in serious 'kin spaces would think it was a genuine red flag because they know it doesn't signal anything good or bad about me now. Hell, even people who do believe that sort of thing probably wouldn't even target me because he's a well-liked character. But it still eats at me.
I don't genuinely think I'm (or anyone else is) inherently an awful person for just being a character who happens to be shitty. I know I didn't consciously choose it and I'm not using my fictotype as an excuse to be an edgelord or do awful things right now, which is the bare minimum really, but there's still always an inward cringe and a twinge of shame every time I talk about him in first person, or write him into my kintype section for a server or forum. It's stupid, I know, and I can't really say it in a way that makes sense but [gestures vaguely] it's just lingering guilt probably.
Today I started researching topics for a kin-related essay the Draconic Summit inspired me to write: I'm looking at dragon folklore and symbolism, especially when it comes to the biblical devil represented by a dragon because that's pretty easy to apply, what some common definitions and unifying characteristics of dragons are, and what it tends to feel like to be a dragon in an otherkin sense.
I'm putting all of it together so I can refer to it while I write about how it can apply to me and whether/why I should consider my experiences at least dragon-aligned. Mostly so I can properly convince myself that I do have a place in the draconic community, and so I'll have a concrete piece of writing to put forward if I ever need to assert or explain that.
I'm also compiling a list of good resources as I find them / request them because I haven't included many things about the dragonkin community on my webpage yet.
It'll take me a while to get past the research and draft stage because dragons and even just dragonkin are a very broad topic and I don't know much about... any of it. I also hate writing about myself like this, which doesn't help when the essay is meant to be about me, and deeply about me at that, but I'm excited to finally put it all into words somewhere.
Others, at least how I notice it, tend to see synpaths, hearttypes, and linktypes as kin-lite or otherwise lesser on a hierarchy of importance or validity, but actually I find that the things that I've 'chosen' so to speak have just as much or more of an influence on my life. I have two kintypes, I am them every day all the time, I enjoy being them most of the time, but it can get a little monotonous.
I can bring in and include these other characters and creatures. Ones that I feel a genuine strong connection with, a connection that I sought out and nurtured and integrated into me rather than was just there for me to stumble on, these are my linktypes. I have others that Are me in a sense, as in I'm aligned with them in personality, I see myself in them, or I have some deep meaningful connection to them, without being them in the same way I am my kintypes. Those would be my synpaths and hearttypes. Birds, dragons, and a few fictional characters.
I like to be seen as these and to be called by their names, I want to model after their better traits. Sometimes they're just associated with a lot of things I'm close to, Raiden's probably the best example for that. I don't identify as him, but he has a similar aesthetic to Vergil in his most recent game, which drew me to him initially. I find him comforting and inspiring because I have Blade Wolf as a synpath, and I relate to his association with lightning since I have Raikou and similar storm-related creatures as hearttypes. However, not having him as a kintype doesn't actually take away from anything or make it any less important to me. I don't see myself as less him because of him being a linktype, it still has a similar impact in my life, I even experience a range of things usually seen as just reserved for kintypes too, like noemata.
I am writing this while waiting for The Draconic Summit to start. This event seems more dragonkin-centric and I'm dragonhearted instead. However, I can still relate to a lot of these people's experiences because I feel dragons are that closely tied to me. I am not a dragon but I am a dragon in every other way, if that makes any sense. I feel very close to the culture of dragons so to speak and at home among dragons. It might be because I grew up idolising dragons, or it might be because my fictotype looks a bit like one, but either way I feel like they're intrinsically tied to my being.
Maybe it's just because I have had a similar lived experience because of my otherkinity or I'm projecting and it isn't as obvious as I think, but I don't think the fandom talks enough (or at all?) about Vergil's relationship with his species / humanity, and how that would have been important in or possibly manifested in his life.
It's his whole spiel that he represses the human side of him and has done so since very young: he doesn't identify as or with humanity at all, to a lesser extent he dislikes humans, and instead of a half-devil he sees himself as just a devil. That view / identity wasn't fully innate (as far as I know), it was caused or at least made predominant by multiple life events, and was a response to being made to feel powerless in his part-human body and losing his human mother, but I don't think that discredits it as a unique experience. There's words for coping mechanism / trauma-caused nonhumanity in an alterhuman sense after all, and it functions similar. The main thing here is that he identifies with and as something less human than he is physically.
Obviously the premise is a bit different from otherkin identity because in his case he is literally half-human half-nonhuman and it's an actual physical possibility to be fully [x] side (which he did manage for a bit), rather than a philosophical/spiritual/psychological/etc. nonhuman identity with a human body like it is for me and most people now. I also doubt he conceptualised it in the same ways as current nonhumans do.
Anyway, it makes me wonder what he might have experienced regarding that while it was in full swing. Was there some degree of species dysphoria / discomfort with his human body and it's mechanisms? Did he feel extra phantom sensations of things not present on the devil trigger(s), or parts of Urizen before he made that a reality, did he feel his devil form a lot outside of devil trigger? Did he express behaviours and instincts that would look out of place or was difficult to do from a humanoid body? Did he consistently picture himself in his mind in a distinctly nonhuman way? Or have dreams about being / becoming a nonhumanoid devil somehow? Some of these would go for part-devils regardless, but I think it'd be amplified more in his case, from not repressing it and for seeing himself as more demonic than human.
You could think definitely about this through an otherkin lens with V, since he is fully human. He knows Vergil, he knows he is Vergil, because he kept the memories Vergil shed. Does he have any kind of self as a devil, even half-devil? Did he experience devilish instincts and phantom limbs even in his human body detached from Vergil? My noemata doesn't cover these things in a way that seems definit to me, so it's interesting to think about.