"The Great Blue Dragon" - Draconity and My Fictionkinity:
by TigrisPublished: 05/11/2022
Last Updated: 09/05/2023
I was inspired to write this essay after I attended the first Draconic Summit in October 2022. I decided to sign up as I had greatly enjoyed Othercon earlier in the year, and I was interested in learning more about dragons and what it's like to be a dragon. I had always felt a connection with the concept of dragons, especially when it came to my fictotype, and regard dragons as something close to a hearttype or some sort of archetype I resonate with. During my time there, I read about others' experiences and I learned a lot more about the draconic community, though I mostly stayed in the background as I was nervous and unfamiliar with the subject. I started to find myself more drawn to dragons than ever and realised how close my experiences actually were to those of more conventional dragons and draconics. It felt right to me to refer to myself as a dragon, rather than only saying I'm deeply influenced by them.
I listened to the panel on draconic elitism, which discussed the issue of gatekeepers in the community dictating what is and what isn't a "real dragon", and encouraged draconic individuals to share their experiences of being more unconventional dragons in the draconic community. I was no stranger to this elitist sentiment from others; a lot of my denial / mislabelling of my experiences was down to not feeling "dragon enough" for the draconic community and not wanting to be regarded as a fake dragon or as a fluffy fictionkin trying to worm my way into a community I didn't really belong in.
After the panel, I realised that if I finally entertained the idea that's been in the back of my mind since I awakened and I called myself draconic, or even a dragon itself, I would have a place among this group, if nowhere else. That was much better than the possible community response I had frightened myself with before. I could actually begin to deeply think about and embrace my draconity instead of squirrelling it away for an undetermined future date when I felt less embarrassed and hesitant about it.
I have always seen myself as close to dragons. A few times in my alterhuman awakening journey, I have identified as a dragon, as in typical eastern and western dragons, though this never felt completely right. I knew I was a dragon or some kind of intelligent reptile, but it never became clear how that fit in exactly until I found out more about my fictotype. I'll talk more about this later.
When I was first getting involved with the fictionkin and otherkin communities as my fictotype, I struggled to find people to relate to and who understood my experiences. The majority of fictionkin I met or read posts from were human characters, or humanoid and identified more closely with their fictotype's human-like traits, rarely were there any discussions on the nonhuman-aligned experiences of fictionkin. The majority of demonkind I interacted with didn't identify as, or even accept as equal, specific demonic characters from media, and their descriptions of themselves were vastly different to my own, to the point where I questioned whether I really identified as demonkin despite being a demon. I mainly felt disconnected and alienated from the more theological focus of the demonic community, especially discussions of God, Satan, angels, and biblical events, as my life and experiences as a devil had little to do with this, if anything at all.
Among dragons, I felt an understanding and kinship that I hadn't really experienced before. I was reluctant to pipe up about my draconic fictionkin experiences while at the Summit, as I hadn't reflected very much and was afraid of explaining it too clumsily, but for the first time I got the urge to be true to myself and write about it. I also wanted to come back and join in with the draconic community openly as a dragon this time, no longer as an avid observer.
Although in my source and canon I am a half-human devil, I find that my phantom limbs, instincts, behaviour, appearance, and characteristics are more aligned with dragons, or, in a more general sense, reptiles, than your usual demon. Even if some of those traits are still somewhat common in devils in my world. For a while, I considered myself dragonhearted due to my fictotype's draconic characteristics as well as to reflect the involvement of dragons in my self-discovery and identity. While this is still true, I believe a big part of my draconity is more integral, individual, and kintype-like than my hearttypes tend to be.
I recall that, as Vergil, I saw myself as closer to dragons than anything else, even though I recognised that I was, for all intents and purposes, not physically one. To my knowledge, dragons were almost non-existent in my world and were more a mythological symbol than anything. I had never seen one and had only ever read about them. Although, with my knowledge of the games now, I know that a dragon appears (at least) once. I admired the form, attitude, wisdom, and strength of dragons in myth, and I truly felt like I was meant to be one. I displayed serpentine and eastern dragon motifs on my clothing and sword. I suppose I was technically draconic then, in the otherkind sense, if I had the words for it. I almost always disregarded or outright rejected the fact that I was half-human, being human took second, or even third, place against the other facets of me for the majority of my life, my view of my identity as human only changing much later on. Most of my experiences and self-image were tied to the nonhuman sides of me - both my devilry and my draconity.
From a young age, I had harnessed my ability as a half-devil to temporarily shapeshift into the form of a devil. I had two of these forms in my life: one was visibly reptilian yet still somewhat recognisably humanoid, this was the first one I discovered and the only nonhuman form that I could assume for most of my life. The second, stronger, one had no human traits and appeared more like a bipedal dragon. This was more of a "true" devil form compared to the one I already had, and I regarded it as the most accurate expression of what I saw myself as. In this second form, I was fully scaled save for some more chitinous plates; I had a spiny, tail-like appendage attached between my shoulders, which could manipulate and hold objects if I tried; multiple sets of horns on my head; spikes down my neck and up my arms; clawed hands and feet; and two pairs of leathery wings capable of flight. To me, that was all that embodied a dragon, and I believed it confirmed something about my connection to them.
I experienced, and still experience, some feelings that were not completely tied to what I could do or feel as a devil. I had phantom sensations of a longer snout filled with teeth and with lips that could curl into a snarl or a smile, rather than the flat and almost-immovable face of both Devil Trigger forms. I had a strong yearning to fly and use my wings before I gained the ability to, though this might just be latent knowledge that I had that ability within me. I felt that my neck was too short and inflexible, and I should have been able to crane my head over things, express myself with it, or sleep curled up with my head resting against my body. I experienced a phantom tail up until I developed one, which I felt at the base of my spine, like a normal tail, rather than on my upper back. More embarrassingly, I had a lot of feelings around eggs, even though I did not produce them or have anything to do with them physiologically. I fantasised about brooding over them and protecting a clutch of them like a large bird or crocodile. This was especially strange to me since I didn't have strong parental instincts or a desire to raise or father offspring (in my younger years, anyway), and no devil species I knew were associated with those kinds of eggs. I also had an urge to seek out heat sources and bask and heat my outstretched wings in the sun to warm myself up, even though I was effectively warm-blooded in every form I took and didn't require external heat sources any more than your average mammal does.
While researching this topic over the past few days, I remembered that the biblical devil has been represented by the serpent and the dragon. Perhaps this could be extended to me, as both a reason for my draconity and a reason to consider myself a "real dragon". The common depiction of the European dragon as sinful, greedy, power-hungry, and manipulative serpentine beasts destined to be destroyed by holy ones is certainly linked to Christian views on the devil, temptation, and "triumph over paganism" and relates to my personality and characterisation. I also recalled the William Blake watercolour paintings of The Great Red Dragon - the draconic form of Satan in the Book of Revelation - and thought back to the fact that I was a fan of Blake during my childhood as Vergil, and how, surely, that painting could have had an influence on me, whether consciously or not. I don't think believing myself to be some sort of embodiment of or having direct inspiration from Satan as the Great Dragon is a far cry from the truth.
My world and I didn't have anything to do with biblical canon or Satan himself whatsoever; they didn't exist, or at least not how humans write of them; devils were just the name given by humans to describe all of the creatures of the world opposite to theirs. I'm unsure if their religion played a part in naming us, or if it's just a parallel. I can't remember if religion persisted and developed in the same way as it did here. However, my source and I were thought up by a human from this world, who would have had outside influences from religion and relevant texts. I'm named after Vergil, the guide written into Dante Alighieri's The Divine Comedy, a poem about a journey through hell, purgatory, and eventually heaven, after all, although I had little similarity to or inspiration from the real-life poet or the character himself.
Dragons are a very, very broad category that defies being pinned down by definition. Most dragons are serpentine and powerful, whether using that power benevolently or malevolently. Western dragons are generally portrayed as demonic, while many eastern dragons are divine. Dragons can be all sorts of shapes, even if that shape isn't stereotypically reptilian or is even mostly humanoid. I definitely see myself as a mix of all of these traits that make a dragon Dragon.
Moving away from the topic of my noemata, I believe I may also identify as a dragon due to other reasons than fictionkinity, and perhaps it may also be a reason why it has cropped up in my fictotype despite never really being touched on by the source or fans of it (I should say, I am not spiritual 'kin. Or at least not entirely. I see my kintypes as having intrinsic meaning to me and my life and they are influenced by aspects of myself, such as my autism, mental illnesses, or certain life events. I still experience inherent knowledge of their lives that I take seriously and as fact, and I am still them in the same way that any other 'kin would experience being their kintype). Dragons, particularly European dragons, are generally reclusive and solitary, a feared and hated Other to humans, and are also shown as wicked, aggressive, self-absorbed, and destructive. I've certainly been all of these things, even if I have since worked on the more damaging parts and don't see them as an unchangeable part of me. I wouldn't find it surprising if I began to see myself as a dragon due to my experience with being othered and sometimes despised by humans, my chronic loneliness and inability to connect with peers, and my tumultuous and often violent emotions as I grew up. I also relate strongly to the human idea of reptiles in general being incapable of love, affection, or happiness and being inherently cold and uncaring creatures. I often feel similar about myself due to my personal issues with low empathy and mental illness, as well as my experience with aromanticism and relationships in general.
The first major issue I've run into is finding terms with which I can easily describe my draconity. I can speak of my feelings regarding dragons, the context of my canon, my experiences of draconity both in that life and now, and give a lengthy description of my appearance, like how I'm doing here, but I still fail to find a more succinct descriptor. Most other draconics can narrow down their experience and call themselves European dragons, Eastern dragons, wyverns, basilisks, anthropomorphic dragons, and their form is easily conveyed through that phrase, but what of me? Does just "dragon" cut it? Draconic devil? Draconic shapeshifter? Half-human draconic? Half-devil dragonkin fictotype that makes me somewhat dragonkin now? Is this something I will have to invent my own term for somewhere down the line? Does it really matter?
I worry a little that maybe I'm wrong, that maybe this is just a fleeting burst of euphoria from having a good time at a convention, that it doesn't really count, that I'm mistaken, and that I shouldn't use words that might not fit me. I can't possibly know all of the answers so soon, so all I can do is write this while I have the motivation to and then set aside some private time to properly question and explore it away from public blogs and essays. I plan to 'try out' being a dragon, so to speak - to call myself a dragon, talk with other dragons, and attempt to incorporate activities that help other dragons connect with themselves into my life - and see if it lasts or it helps me. All that matters in the end is that it genuinely benefits me, that I know, regardless of what other people think, that it's real to me. That it feels like a final piece of a puzzle, that it empowers me, and it helps me find myself. Who does it hurt, other than my own pride, if I turn out to be wrong one day?
In short, being a dragon is true to me right now, and most likely for the foreseeable future. Now that I've taken my thoughts from my mind and typed them out here, it has felt real, comforting, and like I have a better and more accurate perspective of myself. I would never lie about my experiences for fun or just because I think dragons are cool; I don't think that would get me very far when I already lower my credibility in the eyes of many by being both from fiction and debatably draconic. There will likely always be some twinge of doubt that comes from going against the usual image one has of a dragon, especially in a community with an issue with doubting anyone who isn't a typical western dragon, but I don't think doubt (my own or others') alone overthrows the fact that my draconity is real, even if I'm the only one who believes it.
Coming back to this about six months later, and the feelings are just as strong as they were when I initially wrote this. I find a lot of joy in referring to myself as a dragon, my phantom body as a dragon's, my instincts as a dragon's. I lurked in the Spring version of the Draconic Summit this year again, though I did not catch many of the panels.
Further Reading: